“Release Him”: Mar 3, 2021

Most of you know, my dad is recently recovered from a bad case of Covid, and doing really well. We’re kind of blown away by all the love and prayers given when he needed them most. Thank you seems like too weak of an expression for our gratitude.

I’m going to share a personal story. And I want to give a bit of a disclaimer to begin. You might say I’m more open about my life than others, and I think that’s fair to say. But what you may not know is that I’ve felt a strong nudging from the Spirit to share in a more public way starting about 7 years ago when I was still single. I’ve wrestled with this for a long time and even questioned it. If it seems easy for me, it’s definitely not. The internet is a scary and judgmental place. So saying yes to that call is inviting both love and hate. Yet I do, because I have a deep conviction to. This is something both my husband and mentors know about me, and have blessed. So considering that, I’ll get back to my story.

About a month before my dad was hospitalized, I hadn’t talked to him for several months which hasn’t been uncommon most of my adult life. Living without the presence of one of your parents much of your life can create surprising triggers when you least expect them. I was in my car early one morning on my way to work at the church. I was alone, and it was around 8:30 am. Listening to a song, it made me think of my dad and I got emotional rather quickly. As tears began to fall, I started praying for him. I was kind of shocked at how wrecked I was. I’m a crier anyway, but I just lost all control and couldn’t even understand the depth of pain it brought to the surface that ordinary morning. I went ahead and pulled over because I had to let this wave of grief roll through and gather myself. As I cried and prayed (and by praying, I mean mostly just sobbing) the Lord whispered to me, “Is there anything I haven’t given you?” I was so surprised by this question. But I mustered through my tears, “No, Lord.” I continued crying as I pondered what He asked…then He asked me again, “Is there anything I haven’t given you?” In that moment I truly didn’t understand but I submitted, “No, Lord… there’s nothing you haven’t given me.” And as soon as I answered Him the second time, I felt so intensely the Spirit say, “Then release him.”

Now this ushered in a sense of shock and even more buckets of tears. I was initially confused because I knew in my heart I had forgiven long ago. I thought I had done the soul work and laid down my expectations and desires and truthfully believe I love and accept him as he is. So I wasn’t aware of anything that needed “released.” But in submitting to God’s infinite wisdom, I began to make that my confession and I said over and over, “I release him. I release him, Lord. I release him.”

Jesus is so patient and kind. He sat with me for a while in all my big feelings. When the storm in my heart settled a bit, I heard Him one last time. He gently said, “I want you to tell him he was a good father.” My make-up was already done for the day but now I was starting from ground-zero again and in a weepy mess. My thoughts went wild. WHAT?!!! Why? Why would you tell me to do that? SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. But in the holy sanctuary of my Ford, Escape, the Lord reminded me, as he had before, that my dad gave us the best of himself. He wasn’t an evil father who withheld any love or good from us. He was a man with only a cup to pour out, and I was a daughter with a gallon to fill up.

The Lord, in His goodness, keeps inviting me to a more abundant life, free from the weight of heartache, bitterness and void. And He never fails in setting up opportunities to provide the love and grace He’s always provided me. So I knew in that moment of resounding clarity that my answer was an absolute Yes! So I asked the Lord for an opportunity to see or talk to my dad.

Low and behold, not even a week later, we received something he needed in the mail, and were able to get a hold of him, and just like that, I rode with my mom to drop it off the next day.
I met him in the street that evening right after the sun had set. It was so good to see his face and know he was alive and well. We hugged and said the normal greetings and then, when I had his attention, I looked him in the eyes and said, “I want you to know you were a good dad. You were a lot of things I needed and I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me.” His eyes were wider than I ever remember them. There were some solemn moments of silence and space. Then he said, “I never knew what I had until it was gone.” It took a lot for us both to keep it together, or so it seemed, but we did somehow. Even though a little awkward, he continued on to more comfortable ground and told me about his health and what he’d been up to. He quickly wrapped it up and back into the house he went.

About 3-4 weeks later I got a call from a nurse at St Francis letting me know my dad had been admitted the night before and wasn’t in good condition. The next 3 days that followed were a blur and I was told to prepare for the worst case scenario. The last conversation I had with him before his stability plummeted, he asked me to tell everyone I could and for prayer. I sensed in my spirit his request was a deep soul cry for someone to care. I did so immediately, yet his condition took even another plunge. But only 24 hours after that, we dared to hope in what was nothing short of a miraculous turn around. Dad was at the highest level of oxygen they can give before intubation when his body stabilized and even began to etch closer every few hours to normal levels.

This terrible case of Covid-19 is only one of a few brushes with death my dad has lived through. And I shared all of this to ask that you would pray for him again, but from my heart this time. You see, the Lord’s given me dreams about His plans for my dad. Good, good plans. And with every snare of the enemy I watch him overcome, I can feel some kind of fierce war cry from within start leaning in harder and praying more boldly for the soul of the man who brought me into this world. So I invite you to pray with me tonight, as I pray for not only mine, but for all the ones we carry promises for. It’s good and healthy to remind Jesus (but mostly ourselves) of the ones He’s named and called His own. It’s a powerful practice to remember who God sent His very own Son for. We are here for much more! And in this unique moment in time, I can see the world as a stage being set for possibly the greatest move of God’s Spirit the world has ever seen.

Father God promised Jesus everything. Jesus asked for us…and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it! Amen.

Author: Stephanie Jackson