A Husband’s Love: April 19, 2017
Not another one of those sappy love posts, right? Honestly, those often get on my nerves too. I certainly never expected to become the girl who did that all the time. So, allow me to explain my heart. Meeting Cameron was one of the most unexpected things in my life. My kids and I were in such a good place, finally. I had been through some extreme ups and downs since my divorce 6 years prior, and with all the hard lessons that came in those early days, my life had settled. My heart had settled. I came crawling back to the foot of the cross about 3 years before meeting Cam and God had truly kept me under His wing. It was like a 3 year, one on one, special treatment ICU period with Jesus. To this day, those years with Christ were the most intimate I’ve ever experienced and I will always remember them as the years He held me close. Call me crazy, but my heart would beat faster as bedtime for the kids approached because I knew my time with the Lord was near. It was a sacred and precious era.
Upon meeting Cameron, everything in me told me to retreat. I had no time for anything that didn’t come served on a platter from Jesus Himself. But I also wasn’t fully aware that because of all the triggers set off by my past, Jesus could have come in human form and I still might have missed him. Then started the pursuit.
It was so premature, but I sought council from a trusted friend on how to handle myself. I saw Christ in Cameron. I heard Christ in his speech and seen Him in his behavior. But I was scared. My heart had deceived me before and quite honestly, I didn’t trust myself. I was so surprised how scared I was…I was in a really good place, remember? But the raw feelings of vulnerability had my insecurities in an uproar before we were even “in a relationship”. Lol, I laugh typing this, what delicate creatures we are. I was given some of the most profound advice. My friend showed me in scripture how the man always pursued the woman. She told me that guarding my heart was MY responsibility and I had no obligation to open it up to anyone who hadn’t laid out his intentions for me, and even then, it would be my choice. As I sat and thought about my relationship with the Father, I realized it was exactly that way. Not only did He pursue me, but loving Him back was always my choice. Even in my pain, He waited. He approached me so gently asking if He could walk me through it. And if I wasn’t ready, or I simply couldn’t, He just waited for me. I was really liberated by this revelation. This might seem foundational to all you seasoned saints reading it, but you have to realize this was the first time in my life I was healthy enough to process through this in a real life experience. This was the first time my mind was clear, I wasn’t bleeding in pain or desperate enough to grab at the wind. This was the first time I was close enough to Christ that it didn’t really matter if I had a relationship or not. When you grow up without any example of what it looks like for a man to love a woman, and vise versa, we tend to look at our peers, the media, and everything around us and just start to follow the trends. But at this point I had Jesus, and He was enough. My fear turned into peace, and a really cool friendship followed. Then something happened.
Not long after this conversation with my friend and gaining my newfound perspective I was talking to Cam and his tone became more serious. We always enjoyed talking and our conversations were always colorful and never dull of substance and laughter. But all of a sudden, he wanted to TALK to me (insert big eye emoji face). Cameron told me he wanted to pursue a serious relationship with me and my children and told me his intention for me was marriage. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. This is a moment that is marked in my memory and will be imprinted on my heart forever. I don’t remember what I said back to him in that exact moment, but I know it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whatever I said next must have been some verbal expression of doubt because he then told me that showing me what love is supposed to be and raising my children with me would be the biggest honor of his life. He also assured me that he weighed and considered everything it meant to be with me and he knew exactly what he was doing. I remember that night very well. Cameron didn’t learn this until much later, but after we got off the phone I laid on the floor next to my bed crying. Actually, I was sobbing. It was that ugly, snot nose cry that’s almost beyond your control. I laid next to my bed that night and wept like a baby only able to utter the words “THANK YOU”. Repeatedly I said these words. I was stricken to my core with the genuine love of Christ, in a man, and I knew it was real. I was so overwhelmed by the Spirit that night. I was completely saturated in Love and awe. All I could do was say thank you. There was so much more I wanted to say and so many “things” I could have been praying about. But instead, my thank you’s were coming out like water, like a sweet melody that I couldn’t contain even if wanted to. I don’t know how long this went on, but I’m guessing about an hour.
Cameron did exactly what he said he was going to do from that point on. He pursued me AND my kids. They were never excluded from our time together. If he came in town to see me, he wasn’t asking me to get a babysitter, he was making plans to go to Zoo! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. Not only was he trying to win my trust, but also theirs. He never skipped an opportunity to spend time with them. He invested in them so much from the very beginning. He played lots of soccer games, helped with homework, and rocking the little one to sleep became a favorite for both of them. He fully embraced being a part of their lives to the extent they allowed him to. His relationship with them was growing, and it was the coolest thing to watch. After an eventful family experience like a trip to All Star Sports or even eating at a restaurant (any outing with 4 kids can leave you feeling like you ran a marathon), I would always cautiously check on him. Are you sure you’re ok? I must have done this too often. One day he finally looked at me half way insulted and said, “You guys didn’t change my life Stephanie, you FULFILLED it.”
Being treated with tenderness and love in word and action is the most life changing experience in the world. The gratefulness that overwhelms me in some of the most random moments still brings me to tears. You see, after a painful past, you don’t know how to just Get used to it. You are grateful over and over and over again. You want people to know what love actually IS and is not. There was a time my heart yearned for a “love” that was stained with pain and founded on lies. There was a time when a date was a trip to the bar. There was a time when love was nothing more than obeying my husband. There was a time when love was empty promises and manipulation. But when LOVE comes…when LOVE really comes, you get commitment and stability. You also get trust. And not the kind you pretend to have because you can’t let go of a person, but the natural kind that exists from simply knowing you are loved. You get someone who accepts you for all that you are, and all that you’re not. Someone who loves you for everything you will be and NOT be. You get someone who sees all of you. He sees every mood, every mistake, every flaw, every insecurity, every breakdown and doesn’t even think about leaving. Instead, he leans in closer and asks, “Can I help?” Sometimes, he just rests his hand on mine and says, “Together Forever,” something he’s made a habit of saying in our most difficult moments. My oldest daughter approached me once with an eye opening observation. She said, “Mom, Cameron treats you so good. He treats you the best when you deserve it the least.” What an astounding privilege for my daughters to have an opportunity to witness what love is. You see I know I’m no better than anyone else. I’m not more important, not more unique, no more special than the next. I did nothing to deserve Cameron’s love. And quite truthfully I’m not interesting enough to hold anyone’s attention for a lifetime. Cameron makes a choice everyday to fulfill his promise to me and leans on Christ every step of the way to do it. And through Him, I get a love that’s so piercing and so real I’m compelled to do better. This love makes me yearn and long to change, to serve better and to love him better everyday.
We’re talking about an ordinary man here, a man with imperfections and weaknesses. He’s not a super hero. Yes, he does get on my last nerve sometimes. But as broken women we put such low expectations on men that if we experience the real thing, we act like it’s a miracle. But the truth is a man is SUPPOSED to lay down his life for you. You weren’t designed to have to guess where he stands. You won’t have to worry about being the main woman or the side woman because you are the ONLY woman. And not because I said so, but because he’s following the example Christ gave him. I can honestly tell you there is nothing more sexy than a man who’s identity is in Christ. No swag in the world compares to a man with good character. None.
I can’t begin to know what Cameron’s experience in this relationship has been. Like, I don’t think there’s a way to fully comprehend it. He went from being a 30 year old bachelor with no kids to being a first time dad of four. And from the very beginning he had to start stripping away life as he knew it to make room for us. But he did so willingly, joyfully because loving us was his gain. And so the story continues.
God’s redemption is real. You don’t have to wonder if His plans for you are good or if He can really make things better. He will take your wildest dreams, and trump them 10 times. His hand is extended to you. His love is waiting for you. The life you’ve always dreamed of is waiting for the healed heart you’ve always longed for. You see, everything starts inside before we see it on the outside. Jesus is the only thing you can grasp onto without damaging your soul. There’s a difference between loving someone because it makes you feel better, and loving someone simply because you have the opportunity to make their life the joy you want it to be. So please forgive me if you don’t really care for my public expression of love and gratitude for my husband. But at least know that it comes from a genuine place. It comes from a place of worship and reverence and gratitude and sincerity. It comes from a place of hope and joy and fulfillment.
Life isn’t perfect, but it is indeed well. Marry someone who makes you fall in love with Jesus everyday.
Upon meeting Cameron, everything in me told me to retreat. I had no time for anything that didn’t come served on a platter from Jesus Himself. But I also wasn’t fully aware that because of all the triggers set off by my past, Jesus could have come in human form and I still might have missed him. Then started the pursuit.
It was so premature, but I sought council from a trusted friend on how to handle myself. I saw Christ in Cameron. I heard Christ in his speech and seen Him in his behavior. But I was scared. My heart had deceived me before and quite honestly, I didn’t trust myself. I was so surprised how scared I was…I was in a really good place, remember? But the raw feelings of vulnerability had my insecurities in an uproar before we were even “in a relationship”. Lol, I laugh typing this, what delicate creatures we are. I was given some of the most profound advice. My friend showed me in scripture how the man always pursued the woman. She told me that guarding my heart was MY responsibility and I had no obligation to open it up to anyone who hadn’t laid out his intentions for me, and even then, it would be my choice. As I sat and thought about my relationship with the Father, I realized it was exactly that way. Not only did He pursue me, but loving Him back was always my choice. Even in my pain, He waited. He approached me so gently asking if He could walk me through it. And if I wasn’t ready, or I simply couldn’t, He just waited for me. I was really liberated by this revelation. This might seem foundational to all you seasoned saints reading it, but you have to realize this was the first time in my life I was healthy enough to process through this in a real life experience. This was the first time my mind was clear, I wasn’t bleeding in pain or desperate enough to grab at the wind. This was the first time I was close enough to Christ that it didn’t really matter if I had a relationship or not. When you grow up without any example of what it looks like for a man to love a woman, and vise versa, we tend to look at our peers, the media, and everything around us and just start to follow the trends. But at this point I had Jesus, and He was enough. My fear turned into peace, and a really cool friendship followed. Then something happened.
Not long after this conversation with my friend and gaining my newfound perspective I was talking to Cam and his tone became more serious. We always enjoyed talking and our conversations were always colorful and never dull of substance and laughter. But all of a sudden, he wanted to TALK to me (insert big eye emoji face). Cameron told me he wanted to pursue a serious relationship with me and my children and told me his intention for me was marriage. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. This is a moment that is marked in my memory and will be imprinted on my heart forever. I don’t remember what I said back to him in that exact moment, but I know it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whatever I said next must have been some verbal expression of doubt because he then told me that showing me what love is supposed to be and raising my children with me would be the biggest honor of his life. He also assured me that he weighed and considered everything it meant to be with me and he knew exactly what he was doing. I remember that night very well. Cameron didn’t learn this until much later, but after we got off the phone I laid on the floor next to my bed crying. Actually, I was sobbing. It was that ugly, snot nose cry that’s almost beyond your control. I laid next to my bed that night and wept like a baby only able to utter the words “THANK YOU”. Repeatedly I said these words. I was stricken to my core with the genuine love of Christ, in a man, and I knew it was real. I was so overwhelmed by the Spirit that night. I was completely saturated in Love and awe. All I could do was say thank you. There was so much more I wanted to say and so many “things” I could have been praying about. But instead, my thank you’s were coming out like water, like a sweet melody that I couldn’t contain even if wanted to. I don’t know how long this went on, but I’m guessing about an hour.
Cameron did exactly what he said he was going to do from that point on. He pursued me AND my kids. They were never excluded from our time together. If he came in town to see me, he wasn’t asking me to get a babysitter, he was making plans to go to Zoo! It was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. Not only was he trying to win my trust, but also theirs. He never skipped an opportunity to spend time with them. He invested in them so much from the very beginning. He played lots of soccer games, helped with homework, and rocking the little one to sleep became a favorite for both of them. He fully embraced being a part of their lives to the extent they allowed him to. His relationship with them was growing, and it was the coolest thing to watch. After an eventful family experience like a trip to All Star Sports or even eating at a restaurant (any outing with 4 kids can leave you feeling like you ran a marathon), I would always cautiously check on him. Are you sure you’re ok? I must have done this too often. One day he finally looked at me half way insulted and said, “You guys didn’t change my life Stephanie, you FULFILLED it.”
Being treated with tenderness and love in word and action is the most life changing experience in the world. The gratefulness that overwhelms me in some of the most random moments still brings me to tears. You see, after a painful past, you don’t know how to just Get used to it. You are grateful over and over and over again. You want people to know what love actually IS and is not. There was a time my heart yearned for a “love” that was stained with pain and founded on lies. There was a time when a date was a trip to the bar. There was a time when love was nothing more than obeying my husband. There was a time when love was empty promises and manipulation. But when LOVE comes…when LOVE really comes, you get commitment and stability. You also get trust. And not the kind you pretend to have because you can’t let go of a person, but the natural kind that exists from simply knowing you are loved. You get someone who accepts you for all that you are, and all that you’re not. Someone who loves you for everything you will be and NOT be. You get someone who sees all of you. He sees every mood, every mistake, every flaw, every insecurity, every breakdown and doesn’t even think about leaving. Instead, he leans in closer and asks, “Can I help?” Sometimes, he just rests his hand on mine and says, “Together Forever,” something he’s made a habit of saying in our most difficult moments. My oldest daughter approached me once with an eye opening observation. She said, “Mom, Cameron treats you so good. He treats you the best when you deserve it the least.” What an astounding privilege for my daughters to have an opportunity to witness what love is. You see I know I’m no better than anyone else. I’m not more important, not more unique, no more special than the next. I did nothing to deserve Cameron’s love. And quite truthfully I’m not interesting enough to hold anyone’s attention for a lifetime. Cameron makes a choice everyday to fulfill his promise to me and leans on Christ every step of the way to do it. And through Him, I get a love that’s so piercing and so real I’m compelled to do better. This love makes me yearn and long to change, to serve better and to love him better everyday.
We’re talking about an ordinary man here, a man with imperfections and weaknesses. He’s not a super hero. Yes, he does get on my last nerve sometimes. But as broken women we put such low expectations on men that if we experience the real thing, we act like it’s a miracle. But the truth is a man is SUPPOSED to lay down his life for you. You weren’t designed to have to guess where he stands. You won’t have to worry about being the main woman or the side woman because you are the ONLY woman. And not because I said so, but because he’s following the example Christ gave him. I can honestly tell you there is nothing more sexy than a man who’s identity is in Christ. No swag in the world compares to a man with good character. None.
I can’t begin to know what Cameron’s experience in this relationship has been. Like, I don’t think there’s a way to fully comprehend it. He went from being a 30 year old bachelor with no kids to being a first time dad of four. And from the very beginning he had to start stripping away life as he knew it to make room for us. But he did so willingly, joyfully because loving us was his gain. And so the story continues.
God’s redemption is real. You don’t have to wonder if His plans for you are good or if He can really make things better. He will take your wildest dreams, and trump them 10 times. His hand is extended to you. His love is waiting for you. The life you’ve always dreamed of is waiting for the healed heart you’ve always longed for. You see, everything starts inside before we see it on the outside. Jesus is the only thing you can grasp onto without damaging your soul. There’s a difference between loving someone because it makes you feel better, and loving someone simply because you have the opportunity to make their life the joy you want it to be. So please forgive me if you don’t really care for my public expression of love and gratitude for my husband. But at least know that it comes from a genuine place. It comes from a place of worship and reverence and gratitude and sincerity. It comes from a place of hope and joy and fulfillment.
Life isn’t perfect, but it is indeed well. Marry someone who makes you fall in love with Jesus everyday.
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