Parenting Adult Children: Feb 27, 2022
Nothing can prepare you for when your child makes the transition into adulthood. It’s hard. You don’t know what’s in or out of bounds anymore. You’re in straight up limbo. But you’re still a parent. It’s in you instinctively to guide and protect. But all of a sudden the absolute necessity to make adjustments is glaring in your face. So we can sulk and cry (actually, make sure you allot yourself some time to do that, it will make this process easier) or we can dig deep and become the support our kids need. And it’s so worth it.
The heart aches in a way you’ve never experienced before in this season. The brutal reality is that you’re staring at a grown person but you don’t see the passage of time. You carry every memory that started with the womb so all you can see is your baby, even if you’re looking up at them. But to be fair, it’s not only hard. It’s quite wonderful as well. Getting to watch your kids come into their own, discover who they are and work hard at things that give them fulfillment is a high they don’t talk about enough. It’s absolutely thrilling. Nothing in this life’s made me beam with the kind of pride I feel watching them accomplish something they’ve set out to do or seeing them overcome. But these are still tough waters to navigate none-the-less. So I wanted to document a few things I’ve learned.
Meet them where they are –
I can’t remember a single instance where this test did not hold up. The most practical example I have is music. In the most simple terms, I DO NOT LIKE THE MUSIC MY KIDS ENJOY…for the most part. There is almost always a new song or YouTube video they want to show me. And when I say show me, I mean they want me to stop everything I’m doing in a moment’s notice to give my undivided attention to said video and I need to love it the same way they do. I felt my last nerve giving out just writing that. But pay close attention cause I’m giving you free game here. DO IT. When I stop and dive into anything they’re passionate about it is ALWAYS a door into their heart. Simply listening to a song they like has been a segue to deeper conversations, many, many times. And that allows it to happen unforced and organically, just by a willingness to lean into their world.
Meet them where they are.
Wait for the invitation –
The first year of our marriage we lived in Salina. My husband had a mentor named Jim Reynolds. We were at his home one night and I was admiring the display of all his children’s wedding photos. He was a parent to all married children with families. It was beautiful and it got me dreaming into the future. He walked over as I was looking at them and I asked him, “What’s the best advice you have in parenting adult children?” He said, “Don’t offer your opinions, wait for an invitation.” I thought that was GOLD and I’ve shared it many times over the years. Most of the time, my kids know my opinions. They know what I’m thinking quite often or what I would say. As they grow and learn and figure things out for themselves I don’t want to cross over that very thin line into overkill. Once you hit overkill, they don’t hear you anyways. There does come a point where we have to let go and trust God. With force comes resistance. So even if I know a better way to do something or want to interject with all the right words, sometimes it’s better to hold my tongue. One thing about giving them the tools is then letting them find their own way.
Empowerment is championing who they are and how they do it, even if it’s not yours. Wait for the invitation.
Be their safest human –
With adulthood comes adult issues. They’re not learning how to share anymore. They’re learning how to date, how to choose a partner, how to steward their own hearts, and how to manage their responsibilities. It’s complicated and scary. If they’re processing ANY of these things with you, YOU WON. Seriously. Don’t take that for granted and consider yourself blessed.
Chances are, you’ve done some things right already. But I encourage you, dear friends, tread these waters well. How we respond when they trust us with their soul will determine how many times we get the opportunity to. Don’t let your fears do the talking. Don’t lose control of your facial expressions. And lean against the initial discomfort that would make you want to retreat or react. This is holy ground. And if my child needs a space to process out loud and someone to do that with, I’d rather it be me than their 20 year old friend who doesn’t have any answers either. A little emotional intelligence partnered with a gentle tone will keep them safe and allow you to share your hard earned wisdom for many years to come. If we explode we risk losing this space with them altogether and that’s too high a price. Be their safest human.
Don’t make their body an idol –
Now this is a big one, especially for Christian parents. I totally understand the sensitivity of this topic. I do. I have 2 grown daughters. I’m not out of touch with the vulnerability you feel watching little ladies grow into beautiful women. I’ll never forget being at the mall with them and watching, for the first time, a man do a double-take walking past them. You’re never ready for that or all the fears it brings to the surface. But I think we get a lot wrong here. As parents, we’ve had quite a journey in self-awareness. But I think we remain mostly unaware of how deep our fears go and how much they control us in this area. You may not like this, but their virginity is not my trophy, not my idol, and not my biggest concern. When we focus more on their behavior than we do on their heart, we work against the very thing we desire most. Wholeness.
I want them to be whole. Allowing my fear to control me and displaying unmanaged emotion will project shame and send the wrong message about sexuality altogether. Sex isn’t bad. Sex is beautiful and God’s good gift to married people. Lust is bad. Lust is what hurts us and damages our soul. Money isn’t bad in and of itself. Money accomplishes many beautiful things in the world. It’s the love of money that’s bad and corrupts our soul. I don’t want to teach my children what to think, I want to teach them *how* to think. They need to know “Why” much more than they need to know “What.” I might be able to produce an obedient child while they’re under my roof…maybe. But that won’t necessarily produce a person who knows how to steward their behavior when they go off to college and I’m not around anymore. So I’d much rather pour into their heart, and deliver the wisdom I have skillfully. My job is to prepare them, giving them all the tools they need to make the best possible choices, and pray I’m emotionally healthy enough to support them if they find themselves heartbroken or dealing with the consequences of a bad decision. Amen? Amen. Don’t make their body an idol.
Surrender the outcomes –
One of the most significant things Cam ever helped me with was when our first daughter was leaving for college. I was terrified. She had always been under my wing and knowing she was going to be thrust into college life and making all kinds of independent decisions was so scary for me. That kind of freedom is the ultimate test and my mama heart felt every bit of it’s weight. I was talking to Cam one night and started crying and he told me something that gave me so much resolve. He said, “Selah will make choices. She will make lots of right choices. But even if she doesn’t make a good choice, it’s still important she has the opportunity to make them. Because we’ve put everything inside her we can, and it’s time for her to learn. And the learning will be good. Not trusting her with her own journey is dishonoring, and we’re not going to do that. Instead, we’ll be here whenever she needs us.”
Are you crying? I am. Just typing that made me remember all the feels that came along with it. Long story short, our kids will make mistakes. They will fail. The reality of adulthood is I’m no longer responsible for all the choices my kids make. They are. We so often believe that every bad decision our kids make is a reflection of us. And that’s just about as self-centered as it gets. The truth is we’ll never be able to fully protect them from the bumps and bruises of life. But we can respond well and teach them to believe there is always hope and a future in the way we show up for them. Most of our hardship comes from a place of ownership. So teach them, empower them, then surrender the outcomes to Jesus.
That doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I hope it helps someone. Grace and peace to you as you learn from parenting badly, and loving madly. We’re in this together.
Author: Stephanie Jackson
The heart aches in a way you’ve never experienced before in this season. The brutal reality is that you’re staring at a grown person but you don’t see the passage of time. You carry every memory that started with the womb so all you can see is your baby, even if you’re looking up at them. But to be fair, it’s not only hard. It’s quite wonderful as well. Getting to watch your kids come into their own, discover who they are and work hard at things that give them fulfillment is a high they don’t talk about enough. It’s absolutely thrilling. Nothing in this life’s made me beam with the kind of pride I feel watching them accomplish something they’ve set out to do or seeing them overcome. But these are still tough waters to navigate none-the-less. So I wanted to document a few things I’ve learned.
- Meet them where they are.
- Wait for the invitation.
- Be their safest human.
- Don’t make their body an idol.
- Surrender the outcomes.
Meet them where they are –
I can’t remember a single instance where this test did not hold up. The most practical example I have is music. In the most simple terms, I DO NOT LIKE THE MUSIC MY KIDS ENJOY…for the most part. There is almost always a new song or YouTube video they want to show me. And when I say show me, I mean they want me to stop everything I’m doing in a moment’s notice to give my undivided attention to said video and I need to love it the same way they do. I felt my last nerve giving out just writing that. But pay close attention cause I’m giving you free game here. DO IT. When I stop and dive into anything they’re passionate about it is ALWAYS a door into their heart. Simply listening to a song they like has been a segue to deeper conversations, many, many times. And that allows it to happen unforced and organically, just by a willingness to lean into their world.
Meet them where they are.
Wait for the invitation –
The first year of our marriage we lived in Salina. My husband had a mentor named Jim Reynolds. We were at his home one night and I was admiring the display of all his children’s wedding photos. He was a parent to all married children with families. It was beautiful and it got me dreaming into the future. He walked over as I was looking at them and I asked him, “What’s the best advice you have in parenting adult children?” He said, “Don’t offer your opinions, wait for an invitation.” I thought that was GOLD and I’ve shared it many times over the years. Most of the time, my kids know my opinions. They know what I’m thinking quite often or what I would say. As they grow and learn and figure things out for themselves I don’t want to cross over that very thin line into overkill. Once you hit overkill, they don’t hear you anyways. There does come a point where we have to let go and trust God. With force comes resistance. So even if I know a better way to do something or want to interject with all the right words, sometimes it’s better to hold my tongue. One thing about giving them the tools is then letting them find their own way.
Empowerment is championing who they are and how they do it, even if it’s not yours. Wait for the invitation.
Be their safest human –
With adulthood comes adult issues. They’re not learning how to share anymore. They’re learning how to date, how to choose a partner, how to steward their own hearts, and how to manage their responsibilities. It’s complicated and scary. If they’re processing ANY of these things with you, YOU WON. Seriously. Don’t take that for granted and consider yourself blessed.
Chances are, you’ve done some things right already. But I encourage you, dear friends, tread these waters well. How we respond when they trust us with their soul will determine how many times we get the opportunity to. Don’t let your fears do the talking. Don’t lose control of your facial expressions. And lean against the initial discomfort that would make you want to retreat or react. This is holy ground. And if my child needs a space to process out loud and someone to do that with, I’d rather it be me than their 20 year old friend who doesn’t have any answers either. A little emotional intelligence partnered with a gentle tone will keep them safe and allow you to share your hard earned wisdom for many years to come. If we explode we risk losing this space with them altogether and that’s too high a price. Be their safest human.
Don’t make their body an idol –
Now this is a big one, especially for Christian parents. I totally understand the sensitivity of this topic. I do. I have 2 grown daughters. I’m not out of touch with the vulnerability you feel watching little ladies grow into beautiful women. I’ll never forget being at the mall with them and watching, for the first time, a man do a double-take walking past them. You’re never ready for that or all the fears it brings to the surface. But I think we get a lot wrong here. As parents, we’ve had quite a journey in self-awareness. But I think we remain mostly unaware of how deep our fears go and how much they control us in this area. You may not like this, but their virginity is not my trophy, not my idol, and not my biggest concern. When we focus more on their behavior than we do on their heart, we work against the very thing we desire most. Wholeness.
I want them to be whole. Allowing my fear to control me and displaying unmanaged emotion will project shame and send the wrong message about sexuality altogether. Sex isn’t bad. Sex is beautiful and God’s good gift to married people. Lust is bad. Lust is what hurts us and damages our soul. Money isn’t bad in and of itself. Money accomplishes many beautiful things in the world. It’s the love of money that’s bad and corrupts our soul. I don’t want to teach my children what to think, I want to teach them *how* to think. They need to know “Why” much more than they need to know “What.” I might be able to produce an obedient child while they’re under my roof…maybe. But that won’t necessarily produce a person who knows how to steward their behavior when they go off to college and I’m not around anymore. So I’d much rather pour into their heart, and deliver the wisdom I have skillfully. My job is to prepare them, giving them all the tools they need to make the best possible choices, and pray I’m emotionally healthy enough to support them if they find themselves heartbroken or dealing with the consequences of a bad decision. Amen? Amen. Don’t make their body an idol.
Surrender the outcomes –
One of the most significant things Cam ever helped me with was when our first daughter was leaving for college. I was terrified. She had always been under my wing and knowing she was going to be thrust into college life and making all kinds of independent decisions was so scary for me. That kind of freedom is the ultimate test and my mama heart felt every bit of it’s weight. I was talking to Cam one night and started crying and he told me something that gave me so much resolve. He said, “Selah will make choices. She will make lots of right choices. But even if she doesn’t make a good choice, it’s still important she has the opportunity to make them. Because we’ve put everything inside her we can, and it’s time for her to learn. And the learning will be good. Not trusting her with her own journey is dishonoring, and we’re not going to do that. Instead, we’ll be here whenever she needs us.”
Are you crying? I am. Just typing that made me remember all the feels that came along with it. Long story short, our kids will make mistakes. They will fail. The reality of adulthood is I’m no longer responsible for all the choices my kids make. They are. We so often believe that every bad decision our kids make is a reflection of us. And that’s just about as self-centered as it gets. The truth is we’ll never be able to fully protect them from the bumps and bruises of life. But we can respond well and teach them to believe there is always hope and a future in the way we show up for them. Most of our hardship comes from a place of ownership. So teach them, empower them, then surrender the outcomes to Jesus.
That doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I hope it helps someone. Grace and peace to you as you learn from parenting badly, and loving madly. We’re in this together.
Author: Stephanie Jackson
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